This post is kinda sudden.. Just like how suddenly kb would msn me online..
I'm shivering all over sial.. For a moment I only wanted to just finally stop enduring and cry.
For most of the year and even A lvls, everytime I thought abt him, I'd push him to the back of my mind and quickly occupy myself with something else. Seldom, very seldom would I allow myself to think of him for more than a minute.
But there's nothing much to occupy me now.. I cant help but feel the way I feel, pain, heartache, jealousy, loathe, anger, a whole myriad of comfusing emotions when we conversed on msn.
I no longer like him.. Much less love him. And I know even if he choose to come back in the end, I wont be truely happy with him. There'll always be a shadow of memory haunting the back of my mind and not allowing me to trust him wholeheartedly every again. And trust is the most essential composition in a relationship.. If I cant trust him, I will never be with him..
Having made this clear, why is it still that I feel all that I feel when we conversed...? I thought of so many so many reasons for myself.. One, would be because I still cannot forgive him for all the things he did before. So no matter how much I try to be magnanimous, to forgive him for his past and truely wish him happy in the future, I cant. I cant.
A part of me thinks he shuldnt be happy, shouldnt be with Michelle (can i dont call her michelle? Michelle's a nice name la. I dont wan to think that her name would be associated to one of my besties' name.. Let's just call her Mhl.), shouldnt experience a little tiny bit of happiness cuz he doesnt deserve it...
Probably I cant get pass this stage because I havent seem him really remorse for his past.. What he did with Rita, with Mhl, and some other poor gal that fall into his charms.. I wan him to truely feel sorry for what he has done.. so that no other girl that he is with in the future would go through the same thing I did.
Or probably I am angry at my incompetence to seek vengence...? Stubborn in will and weak at heart is my undoing.. I refused to believe that he would choose to be one of 3, than my only one when he is with Rita. Stubborn to believe that he has changed, stubborn to think that I can make him turn back. And finally.. weak at heart when I realised I've lost to them.. weak when I fell into his every whim and sob story, weak when I cant carry myself up to trust other guys again. Weak when I cant depend on myself to forget him, to feel like crying whenever I thought of the past, and weak when I know my friends me is rooting for me and I am letting them down!!
I sound so bloody selfish and petty...
At the end of it all.. I cant only blame on my own weakness.. I know talking to him would upset me, I know simple things like visiting his friendster profile would make my heart beat faster in agony. and yet time and time again, I allow the above to happen.
I know you guys will always be there for me... and I want u all to. Cuz I know it's not something I can do by myself (eventhough it is ME that needs to help myself).. I wish I were stronger sometimes.. Strong enough to admit that I am weak, strong enough to cry, strong enough to get back on my feet and start anew when I've finished crying. But it's not happening yet.
And it's affecting so many people around me.. Youan got angry and upset when he knows I am bothered abt something, but I nv tell him abt the issues. But tt's cuz I dont know what's going on either!! I know he wont hurt me, but I cant chose him because I know I will hurt him! It's all because I really really cant trust the opposite sex fully alr. and I'm already hurting Youan even b4 I'm with him. I think.. at the end of the day, I cant choose him either.. But I feel obliged to accept him. It's stupid and silly.. but tt's cuz I dont know how to reject him without hurting him even further..
You-know-who is another problem too. He's really quite nice.. But when a courting gets too well-known among frenz, it's kinda awkward and difficult for the 2 ppl involved to continue being "nothing-but-friends" if it doesnt work out right...? I dont wan to spoil our friendship. but neither do I wan to start a r/s with him.
I like someone else now. Someone that I know is kinda impossible for me to be with. But this kinda liking is comforting for me.. cuz i dont have the abilty to hurt him (cuz i dont think the feeling is mutual..) and he doesnt have the abilty to hurt me cuz it's only a small crush. It sounds so odd...
Haiyo.. there's this shadow of my past that keeps haunting my mind. Go away. Go away..
Nymphx; 1:36 AM
Oh ya this blog is PRIVATE. Unless it the addy is given to u personally by me, you're not suppose to be here.
Those who already have this addy, please dont pass it around k...? Thank you.. (:
> Wishlist
1. Slim, sleek, small, sexy Digital Camera!!
2. MP3 player; Ipod nano n jewel-studded case!
3. One night stay in Raffles Hotel
4. more Anna Sui Cosmetics and hair accessories
5. Permanent hair removal :D
