The entire chalet is a huge success.. There was fun, games, talks, gossips, bbq, swims, everything.

I knew in the midnight of 25 Jul 06 and the early morning of 26 Jul was going to be memorable period, but it didnt really turn out as I expected. And it sucks like fcuk..

It's so hard to fully type down everything that I feel.. At the end of the day, I know now that I cant be with Turrtle.

He likes another girl.

Turrtle and her went to the beach together after we came out of the pool.. What really got me upset was the sight of them together.. I was walking the footpath to the beach with Mr Calvin when I saw 2 lone figures sitting side by side on the banks of the shore in the dim lamplight. Side by side.. and really close. At that moment in time, I still remember.. my heart cringed and hurted like fcuk. I know there’s no such word as hurted, but just gimme some leeway on the account that I really feel fcuked up now can..?

That was about 4/5am.. I couldn’t sleep until 6.30am. Luckily Ben was with me. I wouldn’t know what to do without him. Sigh. I teared a bit talking to Ben.. And fall aslp crying until 7.30am (1hr of slp!). Late for me UMAT test already….~

I woke up numb and slpy and confused and sore and really really really down.

It doesn’t help that my heart wont stop jumping at the sight of him.

Still feeling like fcuk, I called Yanny before UMAT.. Msged Vicky.. Wanted to cry my heart out. I wanna see my girls…! )):

I thought it was the worst possible time to do UMAT.. I dozed off reading the questions, and it took a bloody 2.5hrs to complete 110 MCQs. Sigh. I couldn’t feel any worse.

Still trying to numb myself, I walked my way outta RELCB, walked a long way before I decided to talk a cab home.. What a sight I must have been.. lugging a ton of chalet bag, my shoe bag, in oversized shirt and shorts.

Forlornly I walked, struggled to balance all the bags and called my mom at the same time.. I poured out the gist of the happenings to my mom.. Wanted to breakdown but I didn’t.

Talking for just a mere 5 minutes with my mom really helps.. She makes a simple sentence mean so much.. “You’re still young what. At least you know now, and not when you are together with him.” Maybe I felt a wee bit better..

At home, I slpt more due to mental exhaustion then physical exhaustion.. I didn’t had anything to eat since last night’s BBQ, and I really felt empty and hollow. Ignoring the feeling, I slpt. Every time I close my eyes, I’ll see again the visual I saw early in the morning. Every time I close my eyes, I imagine them laughing and talking to each other. Sh*t.. It hurted like crazy. I was afraid of even closing my eyes. Gosh imagine that.

Woke up restlessly and knew I had to drag myself to face reality again. Not feeling any better, I showered, changed routinely, and boarded the bus and train.

On the train, I really felt lost. I couldn’t call Vicky, I was afraid of calling Yanny cuz she had school. Wy was busy with attachment and Vala things.. Didn’t wanna bother her already.. and I didn’t know if Chelz or Yw was busy..

On the train, I realize I could see the visual without even closing my eyes. I admit, it was my own fault that I allowed myself to like him and allow myself to think that he even liked me. But what’s done cannot be undone. It just hurt to know that he likes someone else… I wanted to cry.

Still all physically, mentally and emotionally tired, I carried my shoebag (dance rehearsal) in my arms and lugged my purple crumpler on my shoulder down the MRT path at Raffles Place. By then, it seems like I was oblivious to everything that was around me. The rushhour people, the smiles, the chatter, the noise, everything seemed hollow and empty.

Maybe it was because of that, my eyes welled up and I sniffed them back. Going down the stairs to Exit F, I was already sniffing and holding my breath to hold back tears. Then all of a sudden, I slipped on my heels, and dragged my calf and shin down the stairs and landed with my legs folded beneath me halfway down the stairs.

The physical pain was startling and excruciating…! But it gave me a reason to cry. So I cried and sobbed. (You girls will be glad that I didn’t wail like crazy woman..) I just started tearing and couldn’t stop. Even the poor guy that helped me up was shocked that I was crying! Hahaha.. I think he didn’t know what to do… not that he could have done something to mend my heart. The poor guy didn’t even know that the emotional pain was even greater than the physical.

Sorry I made the guy look back every few seconds to see if I was alright after that..

I hobbled my way out of the station, past the insurance building, past Lau Pa Sat, slight bleeding on the ankle and bruises on my calves.. And I still couldn’t stop crying.. It felt like a broken tap.. I just wouldn’t stop. Holding my breath and pasting a slight smile on my face, I pushed the door open to my company.

I threw down my stuff, and went straight ahead to find Grace Lao Shi. Auntie Grace and the rest took a look at me and started to shower all sorts of concern and words of comfort to me. Auntie Wendy and Jacie went to hunt for cotton buds and medicinal oil to dress the wound and bruises. Seeing them bustle and coaxing all over me like that, I smiled but also cried harder at the same time. They are so sweet and caring…

Auntie Grace dressed the wound, and talked to me over massaging the bruise on my feet. So nice right…? *weak smile Apparantly she know that it was my heart that hurted the most, and who it was hurting for. Kekeke.. and they say women are intuitive creatures.. I agree.. Maybe she really knows who he is.

Auntie Grace they all then did their best to cheer me up and consoled me.. Admitedly, I do feel a lot better after their pampering. 6 aunties all pampering over a little me~! Maybe it was because of the concern and love I felt from them that made me feel a little better abt my situation..

Anyway.. when I see him now, I no longer feel the urge or need to please him or get his attention. I’m more of myself now, after talking to the Aunties and Yanny.. (Thanks yanny!!! *hugs!)

I just talked to Yanny over the phone after I come back from Dance Prac.. She suggested something that I really felt is right.. Suggested for me to be selfish for once. I wanna do that too.. Maybe when it is at the right time, and when there is a chance.. I know now, it’s kinda impossible, but it doesn’t hurt to try. And I know if I don’t try, I’ll regret it later.

Now I’m feeling much better., Cuz I know what I should do now. How I should react now. I’ve kept all the negatives and raw emotions into this locked thick metal box in my heart. Everything else outside the box is for my friends and family. As long as this box remains closed, I’ll be fine. It was my fault that I forgot what was inside the box, and took the chance to open it again recently. Now I promise not to let it happen again so easily the next time..

Protect yourself Yvonne..!

Jia You. (: